She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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