apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
