you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
