I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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