Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
