Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
