Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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