After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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