I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
