i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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