last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
