Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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