3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
