"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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