Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
