Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
