Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
