So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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