Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
