Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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