Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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