Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
