maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
