the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
