Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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