Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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