He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
