ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
