Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
