This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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