The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
