everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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