This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
