hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
