This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
