WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
