farters have to be the big spoon...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
