Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
