there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
