I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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