I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
