i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
