Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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