I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
