Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
