as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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