don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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