I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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