I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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