Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
