6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
