Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
